I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
they're like a gay fantastic four
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
