I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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