Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
