Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
