Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
