i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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