dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
