Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him