im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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