Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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