This is not my ceiling
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
