I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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