Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
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he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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