I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
