I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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