mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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