woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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