I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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