I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
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WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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