I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
