Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
