I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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