Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
