I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
