I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
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