dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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