Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
