Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
