Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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