He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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