Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Boobs speak an international language.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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