So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
