If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
