I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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