last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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