I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
