Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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