i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
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There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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