I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
