dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
