well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
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It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
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Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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