absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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