I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
where are my eyebrows?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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