I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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