My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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