That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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