I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
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Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
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The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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