at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
