I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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