He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
