If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
