What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
